Hurry Up and Slow Down

Do you ever feel like you to need to breathe deeply but you just can't because the weight on your chest won't allow you to catch your breath? That's how this Mama is feeling today. Our sons are off to school tomorrow. They are excited as can be to meet new teachers, make new friends, start new adventures and all the fun stuff associated with going to school. They are going into Grade 2 and Kindergarten. That's right...my baby officially leaves the nest to start school. My last baby.

The day my youngest baby was born

Now I know this is a normal rite of passage for a child to head off to Kindergarten. He is ready. He's been ready. He's watched his big brother head off to school each day for the past 2 years and he can't wait to go. He's a smart cookie and is ready for the challenges ahead. But I'm not.

Ever since I got married and we started on the journey to create our own family I wanted to be a Stay At Home Mom. We worked really hard and made a lot of sacrifices and had lots of struggles along the way but for much of the last 6 years I have been at home with our boys. Every day for these past few years has been centred around caring for and scheduling for and providing for the needs of my boys. I was that Mom that followed my kid around when he would go on a little field trip with his 1 morning a week daycare because I thought he could use some interaction with the world that didn't involve Mama....except that I tagged along whenever I could.

Mommy tagged along on all the daycare field trips

I bawled my eyes out when my oldest son went to Kindergarten but a little piece of me sighed a sigh of relief knowing at least I still had my youngest one with me. But now that #2 is heading off to Kindergarten I just feel completely and utterly lost. My world for the last 7 years has been catering to the all-day, everyday, daily needs of my children and in what feels like a blink of an eye my Starring Role is over.

There have been countless times since becoming a Mom that I hurried my kids or wished that they were a little older so that things would be easier or grew impatient as I wanted to get on with something I wanted to do. But now I wish I could take all those moments back: the hundreds of hours sitting in the rocking chair while I nursed my babies, the dawdles through the trails as we explored the nature around us, the late night snuggles in their beds, the times we sat and read the same nursery book over and over again. I used to hurry them up. Now I want them to slow down. Stay being my babies.

Mommy's Superkids 

What's next for this Mom? I have no idea. I'm just trying to keep it together today. (I've bawled at least 6 times while writing this post.) For some back-to-school time is a time to rejoice and pop the champagne bottles. Perhaps in time I will be one of those Moms too. But if you see me or any other Mama doing the Ugly Cry on the school grounds or in the parking lot tomorrow just give us a smile and knowing nod. And maybe offer us a glass of wine.